Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   Being white has its disadvantages too, you know. It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.

   Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.