Aaron Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".
←Rate | 10-06-2010 12:09 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
←Rate | 06-19-2010 19:33 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.
←Rate | 01-06-2011 19:30 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 14:10 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."
←Rate | 02-28-2013 18:38 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
←Rate | 04-06-2016 19:49 by Aaron Comments (1)  


   messageicon You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
←Rate | 07-14-2011 01:18 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honestly, I love every single some of you.
←Rate | 09-11-2010 09:01 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
←Rate | 07-10-2013 13:47 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..
←Rate | 10-02-2010 18:51 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.
←Rate | 11-02-2010 23:11 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.
←Rate | 03-20-2010 15:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
←Rate | 04-30-2012 19:53 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.
←Rate | 02-20-2012 17:12 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
←Rate | 01-18-2011 17:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.
←Rate | 07-27-2010 04:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.
←Rate | 04-02-2013 17:46 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital
←Rate | 11-12-2012 19:46 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.
←Rate | 02-06-2013 18:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"
←Rate | 07-16-2013 17:27 by Aaron Comments (0)  



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