Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   The rules were already broken when I got here.

   Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

   I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

   In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.