Funny Status Messages

   45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.

   Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!

   I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.