Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 193 of 6371
I'm here to announce that I too am suspending my Presidential Campaign. I want to thank all my supporters and the one or two of you that even knew that I was running.
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03-20-2020 00:06 by T
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I can't wait to one day tell my grand kids, "When I was your age, toilet paper was everywhere! You could find all over the place, even in gas station food marts1"
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03-26-2020 08:00
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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03-26-2020 11:01
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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03-26-2020 15:34
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Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.
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03-30-2020 07:06
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
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06-16-2020 08:08
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Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
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07-10-2020 08:39
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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07-10-2020 08:41
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I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.
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04-15-2018 12:30
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love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.
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04-16-2018 15:14
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I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.
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04-19-2018 02:05
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Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.
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04-20-2018 02:40
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Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?
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04-20-2018 14:22
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Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot
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04-23-2018 03:55 by Jake
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Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools
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04-30-2018 12:58
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I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
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05-02-2018 20:16
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I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
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05-11-2018 22:25
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"Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica
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05-12-2018 12:51
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I'm no English major, but shouldn't Apple's Tim Cook have encouraged those graduates to "think differently"??
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05-14-2018 12:15
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The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.
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05-14-2018 14:57
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