SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...

   They probably just called her an "explorer" because "Dora the Drug Mule" didn't rhyme.

   Just drunk enough to compose.. Just sober enough to backspace.

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

   Most signs that say there's 24 hour surveillance just mean the sign is there all day.

   Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all.

   My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.

   a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?

   Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog.

   Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.

   Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.

   Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.

   Just because it"s called spandex..doesn't mean it should be put to the "how far can it expand" test.

   I can't believe it. I saw on the news where a midget got pick pocketed in broad daylight...how could anyone stoop so low?

   I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!