SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Started to wear a wig at the gym so everyone thinks I am strong for a girl.

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   Why the outrage over Romney's misspelling of "America?" For gosh sake, his parents didn't know how to spell "Matt."

   It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless."

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   Earlier today I got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.I told them to kiss my a$$. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving..lol

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.

   Pinterest lets people know things you like. For example… if you’re a man and you pin something, it lets people know you like men.

   The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....