Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
←Rate | 06-02-2017 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
←Rate | 06-12-2017 10:29 by Zumba Di Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 19:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.
←Rate | 07-21-2017 07:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
←Rate | 04-07-2017 01:18 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.
←Rate | 05-02-2017 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.
←Rate | 05-06-2017 10:15 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
←Rate | 05-09-2017 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!
←Rate | 08-25-2017 12:32 by Mr. K Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
←Rate | 08-29-2017 11:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
←Rate | 09-10-2017 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.
←Rate | 09-11-2017 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:38 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
←Rate | 09-26-2017 21:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
←Rate | 10-08-2017 08:44 by Trollmaster Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
←Rate | 10-19-2017 14:01 Comments (1)  



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