Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   We’re not drilling for oil here because of “global warming.” But, we’re going to let someone else drill the same amount of oil somewhere else and burn even more oil to get it here. Brilliant.