Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.
←Rate | 08-04-2016 22:01 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."
←Rate | 08-05-2016 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
←Rate | 12-10-2016 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.
←Rate | 03-21-2017 17:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 21:10 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Relationship status: Would get in the van
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
←Rate | 10-19-2017 14:01 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:06 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:39 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 14:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 17:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store
←Rate | 05-02-2012 08:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.
←Rate | 04-13-2017 08:44 by MK Comments (1)  


   messageicon Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 14:59 by Chuck Comments (2)  


   messageicon I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
←Rate | 02-17-2013 13:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 10:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
←Rate | 03-29-2017 17:58 by therealtimmyt Comments (0)  



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