Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR
←Rate | 09-16-2017 13:06 by Hawg Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
←Rate | 04-30-2018 13:48 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.
←Rate | 04-30-2018 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 01:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 20:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 04:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 12:46 by Mediadude Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.
←Rate | 06-19-2018 02:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I sexually identify as too tired for this.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.
←Rate | 07-01-2018 10:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?
←Rate | 07-16-2018 09:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....
←Rate | 07-16-2018 17:11 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


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