Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When she tries to pull your pants down on the first date.

   I attack ideas, I don’t attack people. Some very good people have some very bad ideas. If you can’t separate the two, I suggest you find another day job.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.

   You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?

   This is not just a silly grin on my face, it’s a highly educated one.

   When I think of you I touch myself meaning I rub my temples because you give me a headache.

   Believe in yourself, especially when no one else will. ~ Sasquatch

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   When you put 30 dollars in the tank and the gas light is still on.

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   doing strange things in the name of art.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.