Funny Status Messages

   My new diet plan consists of watching the show "Hoarders" every time I'm hungry.

   Am I the only one who feels Facebook was actually created by divorce Lawyers????

   I'm A Smart Person….I just do stupid things.

   Tonight's dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made it using the recommended serving amounts indicated on the jars. Who came up with these standards...an Ethiopian?

   Just came up with the best idea ever! And it's called going to bed. good night everyone.

   Seriously, Why the f*ck would you give somebody 244 years in prison?

   It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   Love is best when it overflows freely from the heart, rather than you having to reach in to get your fill.

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

   finding when it comes to chickens, talk is cheep

   I sing along to songs I don't know the lyrics to.

   For my visit to the bank tomorrow, I've packed lacy lingerie, chloroform and a chainsaw. One way or another, I'm getting that loan.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings….'

   Banks are the type of place that will give you money if you can prove you don't need it

   Apparently, "You're a douchebag!" isn't what my boss had in mind when he asked, "So, what do you think?"...I guess honesty isn't always the best policy...

   A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

   Having lunch with a man named Jack... Jack Daniels

   so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.