Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.

   Ever picked up a copy of your x-ray from the doctors office, open the envelope when you get to the car, hold it up to the light and say....."yeah, I have no clue what I'm looking at"?

   I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.

   How do Amish women know if it's a romantic candle-light dinner or just a regular dinner?

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   A decision so bad you wish you had just got a face tattoo instead.

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   "You tube's How to use a fire extinguisher shouldn't have a advert before it.

   I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.

   When you go in the ocean to pee, go in past your waist.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.....

   I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.