Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you go in the ocean to pee, go in past your waist.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.....

   I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   I've started visiting orgies dressed as a Ninja-Turtle! I'm really coming out of my shell these days!

   OMG I can't believe I just did that. I called someone without texting first to see if it was ok that I called them. Yikes!!!

   Not so great minds also think alike!

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends.

   Why do we say that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.