Funny Status Messages
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I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing. 
Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.
What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.
Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner
look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o
If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.
Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com
Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket
Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?
Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!
I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.
Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper
I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart
I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class
AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.
I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died." 