Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like an FB friend list, people come into your life an present unlimited possibilities. What you do with them is up to you. Some you interact with. Some you don't . And some you say "Who the heck is this person and what are they doing in my life?

   you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

   Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask

   came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

   My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

   My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

   sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

   I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."