Funny Status Messages
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Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions. 
Life will be good when I wake at this hour, yawn, stretch, find the cold spot on my pillow and go back to sleep because I'm retired and rich from lottery winnings.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
Keep your head high, but your middle finger higher
Dear icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Enjoy the Karma... Sincerely, the Titanic
Excuse me. Anyone know when the Occupy Hooters rally starts?
"That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Saaay, there's that turkey. #bowlwinder
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody's getting.
why is my writing white in the search bar up by the find status?
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
Some people call me the Space Cowboy., some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice.... those people suck at nicknames.
Guys try too hard to sound intelligent on Facebook to impress a chick who's sleeping with a dude who can't even read
For the record, people don't get arrested and indicted on "no evidence" but continue on with your delusions.
If Democrats ever thought illegals were voting for Republicans, you'd be able to see the wall from outer space!
Time for the shake weight exercise, minus the shake weight.
I think we all know a girl that pretends that she wants to hang out, and then when you try to set something up, there's always an excuse. "Where were you tonight?" "Sorry, I had an emergency hair appointment!"
im 99% sure you dont like me, and I'm 100% sure I dont care 