Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I'm trying to update my e-harmony profile

   Hey,,,, I said I'd be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   I'm not a soccer fan,, but if the St. Louis Steamers soccer team ever move to Cleveland,, I'm TOTALLY buying a jersey..

   HR: Let's talk about why you were late today... Me: I told you!.. HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!".. Me: Duh,,That's why I was late

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

   Stupid people aren't flammable enough.

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

   How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.

   Hmmm,, How about slippers made out of Legos,, So that when you step on a Lego,, you just get taller.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   So the cop was like 'say the alphabet backwards',, So I said 'the alphabet backwards',, Then we laughed and laughed............ Send bail money

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web, but no spider. This foreclosure crisis is really getting out of hand

   WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.

   Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

   If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

   If you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch