Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   I see your "Restraining order" and raise you a "high powered telescope"

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

   Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

   I'm white but not "get up to go jogging at 3am before work" white.

   Bacon is the fried chicken of white p eople!

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.

   if Taylor would learn to blow like a good all American girl, she'd never ever ever......have to write another break up song.

   I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?