Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.

   Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

   I wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"

   I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent frantically searching for a phone booth.

   Just found out my attic is full of cotton candy!!!

   The phrase "This sh*t is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.

   I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

   On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

   I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

   Just moved the dog's bed to vacuum underneath and found a stack of pics of people's legs.

   Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   Lost his mind somewhere.. If you find it please put it back in the gutter.

   You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant...

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".