Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
←Rate | 06-02-2018 17:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.
←Rate | 04-30-2018 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 01:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 20:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 04:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 12:46 by Mediadude Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.
←Rate | 06-19-2018 02:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.
←Rate | 07-01-2018 10:00 Comments (0)  


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