Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
←Rate | 03-01-2018 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
←Rate | 03-03-2018 09:16 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?
←Rate | 03-08-2018 14:09 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me and my recliner go way back.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:28 by Aerotim Comments (1)  

   messageicon Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:18 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
←Rate | 08-22-2017 13:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
←Rate | 09-13-2017 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.
←Rate | 09-15-2017 00:24 by Moon Comments (2)  

   messageicon If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:38 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 19:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 21:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 04:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?
←Rate | 03-30-2017 11:10 by Me E Comments (1)  

   messageicon When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 23:22 Comments (4)  

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