Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate | 04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
←Rate | 05-22-2017 07:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 10:10 by BEE Comments (1)  


   messageicon Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.
←Rate | 07-26-2017 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
←Rate | 07-29-2017 08:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
←Rate | 08-04-2017 17:56 by Otis Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.
←Rate | 08-25-2017 06:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:59 Comments (1)  


   messageicon *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
←Rate | 05-24-2018 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.
←Rate | 04-23-2018 12:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
←Rate | 06-02-2018 17:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE
←Rate | 06-07-2018 15:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.
←Rate | 06-18-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
←Rate | 09-21-2018 23:06 by Meh! Comments (0)  


   messageicon The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.
←Rate | 09-24-2018 00:05 by gil Comments (0)  




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