Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
←Rate | 08-29-2017 11:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
←Rate | 09-10-2017 20:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.
←Rate | 09-11-2017 08:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
←Rate | 09-13-2017 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
←Rate | 09-26-2017 21:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
←Rate | 10-08-2017 08:44 by Trollmaster Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
←Rate | 10-19-2017 14:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
←Rate | 10-20-2017 02:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
←Rate | 10-22-2017 06:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there
←Rate | 10-12-2016 21:13 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.
←Rate | 05-24-2017 15:47 by @breakfastbeerz Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!
←Rate | 07-10-2017 15:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
←Rate | 08-30-2017 00:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
←Rate | 09-09-2017 10:05 by Sabrina Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
←Rate | 09-15-2017 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.
←Rate | 09-17-2017 15:15 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 21:48 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  

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