Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.
←Rate | 04-27-2017 23:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.
←Rate | 05-06-2017 10:15 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
←Rate | 05-06-2017 16:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter
←Rate | 05-07-2017 04:05 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
←Rate | 05-09-2017 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?
←Rate | 05-30-2017 07:28 Comments (2)  

   messageicon How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?
←Rate | 06-05-2017 07:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somewhere there's a guy named Jayden K. Smith wondering why nobody will accept his FB friend requests
←Rate | 07-10-2017 23:53 by Sharp Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of marijuana. It will be called the March of Dimebags.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 17:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 09:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.
←Rate | 09-09-2017 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
←Rate | 09-14-2017 07:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:38 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
←Rate | 09-26-2017 21:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 08:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.
←Rate | 08-04-2016 22:01 by Snotty Comments (0)  

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