Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   Tinder is for rookies. Go to Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. This will show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

   Tesla kicked out of S&P 500’s ESG Index, never saw that coming.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”

   Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted.

   If you don’t have time to pull over and fight, don’t honk your horn at me.

   When she tries to pull your pants down on the first date.

   I attack ideas, I don’t attack people. Some very good people have some very bad ideas. If you can’t separate the two, I suggest you find another day job.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.