Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
←Rate | 05-24-2018 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate | 04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
←Rate | 05-22-2017 07:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 10:10 by BEE Comments (1)  


   messageicon Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.
←Rate | 07-26-2017 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
←Rate | 08-04-2017 17:56 by Otis Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.
←Rate | 08-25-2017 06:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...
←Rate | 08-22-2017 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??
←Rate | 09-08-2017 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 08:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
←Rate | 09-13-2017 17:58 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?
←Rate | 01-06-2018 13:41 Comments (3)  


   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.
←Rate | 02-07-2018 10:28 by MDS Comments (1)  


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