Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

   A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own.

   going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn't care

   getting my baseball bat and ninja sword ready for tomorrow

   BREAKING: Reality TV star Rod Blagojevich to move from NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice' to MSNBC's 'Lockdown'.........

   My wife would buy anything. Just this afternoon I came home to find a naked man in her closet.

   Sorry, I meant to, but life happened.

   This is one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.. Happy St. Patty's Day!!"

   Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

   When I was a kid, snow days cost $100 and only lasted a few hours...

   Would it kill them to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the gas pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up and my gas tank is on the wrong side

   decided to clean house since it is raining. Now it smells of Murphy oil soap and Pine-Sol.. Instead of Sex and Candy.

   I probably should have put my real birthdate, because I just woke up to a bunch of happy birthday's on my wall.

   if alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair

   When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.

   it a coincidence that Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year even in a leap year? Awkward.

   I used to be a looker when I was younger. Or a peeping Tom as the girls used to call me

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that yesterday when I was sitting in the fort I built.

   I think the ultimate test of being funny would be making a bailiff laugh out loud in a courtroom.

   I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone havin a bday tomorrow.. since they only get 1 bday every 4 years..