Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose

   Who needs help moving to Canada because Trump won, call me. . .

   They've never overturned the initial electoral vote. It's never been changed. Never. Like Michael Moore's underwear.

   My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain.

   I think 2016 will be known Historically as "The Year That Everyone Was Offended by Absolutely Everything." .... Well .... Hopefully we can look forward to 2017 as being known as "The Year That Everyone Grows Up!"

   At this very moment, Mexicans are building ladders.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   I took a dump on a pigeons nest today. Revenge has never been this sweet.

   like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams

   on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year

   The most exciting fact about life is the fact that everything you imagine happens somewhere and sometime in the universe.

   This status message may contain language that other readers may find offensive and will need to be manually reviewed before being posted on the live site. The manual review process takes 12-48 hours.

   wondering who had the nerve to go to work dressed as Darth Vader today?