Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm loving this season of Dancing with the stars, I'm sure that is the longest Kendra has ever danced without a pole or taking off her clothes

   I feel betrayed by ice cubes, like all they do is lie to me about how much drink I really have.

   Walmart is coming to South Africa. Finally I can get in on all the walmart jokes and stuff posted here.

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   Yes I look at the accident after Ive waited in traffic to pass it, its my turn.

   Fran Drescher recently divorced her husband of 18 years because she found out he was gay..Does this really need a punchline?

   Some smartphones are actually smarter than their owners.

   Facebook the number one rumor starter

   I looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

   I knew Brett Favre was in for a long year when he threw that interception in the Wrangler commercial.

   God I hate spending money on anything but myself.

   I'd rather pump a soap dispenser a thousand times to get a trace amount of soap than spend the same amount of time refilling it.

   Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!

   just hacked into Santa's computer. All corporate executives will be getting coal this year.

   I'm no volcanologist but has anyone tried throwing in a few virgins?

   thinks if Cap'n Crunchberries can do an "Oops! All Berries" version of their cereal, then why can't Lucky Charms do an "Oops! All Marshmellows" version?

   Please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do remember Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   ..is having car problems. The car won't start and the payments won't stop.

   helping senior Citizens...one Cougar at a time.....