Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

   *Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

   Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

   My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.

   I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML

   Strangers have the best candy..

   If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.

   I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.

   It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.

   People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.

   A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.