Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

   If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

   I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

   Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza.

   I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

   Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”

   *neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

   I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

   I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

   A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

   [inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream”

   thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money

   I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

   Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

   Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

   My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

   Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi

   Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.