Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.