Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place last night. She then proceeded to tell me she lived in a van with four roommates. That's New York City for yah!!!

   Reports say men who post selfies show pyschopathic tendencies. While women who post selfies just wanted to show everyone their "duck face".

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you need a breath mint.

   Not now. I'm busy on ebay. Making the most of my 'me' time.

   Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.

   A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

   People who go on to open a second Facebook account because you've reached your maximum number of friends, get a life!

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".

   ...... POKEMON GO!!!!!!! No Seriously ....... POKEMON GO!!! The world does not need any more Pokemon!

   It's bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well.

   Calm down people who smile for no reason....

   Bill Cosby replaces defense team. The original one is unsure why; they inexplicably fell asleep & when they woke he was gone.

   Mick Jagger to be a father at 72. Names Keith Richards child's godfather to ensure the child is brought up right long after Mick's gone.

   Gettin' real tired of wearing pants and having responsibilities.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.

   Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

   Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.

   It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.