Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

   A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

   [inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream”

   thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money

   I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

   Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

   Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

   There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

   The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

   My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

   Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   I rather be tired from working than to be broke.

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.