Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!

   The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

   Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game

   Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

   Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.

   Anyone at the gym with no headphones on is training to avenge someone’s death

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.

   In my 20s: My knees hurt from being on my knees 😏 In my 30s: My knees hurt from being alive

   Amendment to the 2nd. The right of the people to keep and bear plastic straws shall not be infringed. You can’t shoot paper through paper.

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   I was talking to a guy outside my building and he was telling me his gf hates his dog and he had to get rid of her so if anyone who doesn't own a dog wants her shes available. Shes about 5'3 130 pounds brunette.

   The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.