Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

   Richard Nixon's wife once asked him to make her a pot roast. He replied, "I am not a cook."

   As a kid, I laughed when my Dad told me to never trust a fart. Well, I'm not laughing now...

   Whoever thinks money doesn`t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

   You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

   I gained three pounds last weekend and I'm fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

   A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

   I don't think of it as losing an hour of sleep this weekend. I think of it as being an hour closer to breakfast.

   I just auditioned for a play about the toilet paper shortage because they said there might be a roll for me.

   I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

   If gas goes under $1.00 ima put some in the freezer.

   Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.

   What you need to ask yourself is… Do you really like pancakes and waffles? Or are they just a syrup delivery vehicle?

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

   A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

   my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

   My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]