Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.

   I met a girl at the bar and she said she wanted to suck on my foot. Had to tell her its not quite that big.

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.

   WOMEN ARE EVIL! WOMEN suck! Oh that reminds me... women are soft... ooh and warm and wet and... what was I b!tching about? Damn women!!!

   Everything happens for a reason. - What I say when I put my foot up so far up your ass you'll be sneezing toenails.

   My friends are all putting pictures of their kids on their Christmas cards. I dont have kids so I might put a picture of money on mine.

   If you want to see the real Hunger Games go to Ethiopia and put a steak at the end of an obstacle course.

   Woke up this morning on a hotel room floor laying on a make-shift bed I made entirely out of a tuxedo and towels. Still not quite sure where my pants are. God I love weddings.

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!

   Hey, do you have change for a $20? $20's are change, bro.

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead, he jaughed. You know he's been there before.

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   People say that I'm stubborn but I insist that I'm not. They eventually give in to me.

   I mixed a chunk of poop into the dog's shampoo so he wouldn't feel obligated to roll around in anything stinky after his bath.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.

   Sometimes you just gotta text your ex and remind them they ain't sh*t... Just in case they forgot.

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?