Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.

   A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.

   It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

   I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.

   Reasons to not eat cookies: - there are no cookies - you're trapped under something heavy and can't reach the cookies. End of list

   I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

   I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day yesterday and ate some undercooked chicken.

   January is the month that people are most likely to be fired — especially if you’re an elf.

   I do squats so I don’t have to work on my personality.

   I may not be the skinniest or the best looking out there, but let me tell you something. I'm also not the smartest..

   Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects

   Who will protect the good folks of Sussex now that their Prince ditched them??

   Why do football players wait until the last 5 minutes of the 4th quarter to play with any real intensity?

   it rude to start asking my mother-in-law for daily child care fees? Her child is a handful and I don't work for free.

   [Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren] DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

   Growing up as a kid, My family could never afford that fancy Burt's Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herbert's Hornets lacerating pain venom.

   Life's short, don't scroll it away!

   You're the only one - Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5

   If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.