Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!

   I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.

   You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   "You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!

   German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"

   "Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!

   To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬

   Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again