Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If they would raid a job fair like area 51 ..nahhh that will not happen.

   Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

   Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him

   I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!

   I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.

   You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.