sean Funny Status Messages

   They say the world of relationships is an endless sea, but sometimes you go to bed with a mermaid, the next morning you wake up with a whale

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.

   If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator?

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.

   There's a person out there for everyone, but for some women that person is 6 cats....

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?

   Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   Good job on the speed traps, cops - How are the murderer traps coming along?

   I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   They say the end of the world is very near, So what if Saturday is the end of the world? If I get sent straight to hell its going to take me at least a week to realize that I'm not still at work.

   Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD

   my 2nd wind seems to be fanning the fire of the candle I am burning at both ends