Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells "which one am I?" every 30 seconds.

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?

   I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   The plain cake donut is always the last one picked.... Come with me poor little plain cake donut,, you can be on my team.

   Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.

   It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chace she's not alive

   For your information, we'll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was entertaining to look at.

   I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?

   I think the show " America's Got Talent " Should have a question mark at the end of it

   Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.