Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   If I get arrested, I am going to ask for a tweet instead of a phone call.

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.

   Moment of silence for all the adults who still don't understand sarcasm and satire... they must live lives of constant confusion and trauma.

   No matter how expensive the perfume a stripper wears, it will never cover up the smell of poor decision making.

   The first time a woman swallowed my stuff, I was so appreciative that I swallowed her bullshi t for the next two years.

   TIP FOR GUYS: If you have a girl coming over to watch a movie, make sure to pick a movie that's not worth watching. If you know what I mean!

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   What I want is a woman who loves me for my money, but is really really bad at math.

   Have you ever told someone you'd be ready in 10 minutes and 4 hours later you're still on Facebook?

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   I've had pizza boxes stay in my life longer than some women.

   People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

   My girlfriend just walked in and called me g@y. If my nails weren't drying I swear to god…

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.

   When a grammar Nazi gets sad and lonely, give them a hug and say, "There, their, they're."

   If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.

   What doesn't kill you makes you pour a stronger drink.

   My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.