andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then BAM! you're stuck driving 10mph behind some jerk with way nicer calves than you

   If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.

   No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   I bet I can hold my breath longer than you. In fact, I bet you can't hold my breath at all.

   If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.