Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!
←Rate | 07-20-2012 07:32 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
←Rate | 04-12-2017 09:01 by djjackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
←Rate | 04-16-2017 09:39 by flipphonescott Comments (0)  

   messageicon I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
←Rate | 06-05-2017 16:18 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 19:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:24 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?
←Rate | 10-08-2017 11:07 by Jon🦌 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.
←Rate | 07-15-2016 17:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.
←Rate | 10-27-2016 05:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
←Rate | 10-18-2017 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..
←Rate | 11-19-2016 17:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.
←Rate | 05-11-2017 05:16 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 08:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
←Rate | 01-27-2017 13:49 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,
←Rate | 02-04-2012 08:49 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
←Rate | 04-22-2012 17:12 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

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