Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:24 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?
←Rate | 10-08-2017 11:07 by Jon🦌 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.
←Rate | 07-15-2016 17:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.
←Rate | 10-27-2016 05:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
←Rate | 10-18-2017 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..
←Rate | 11-19-2016 17:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.
←Rate | 05-11-2017 05:16 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 08:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
←Rate | 01-27-2017 13:49 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,
←Rate | 02-04-2012 08:49 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
←Rate | 04-22-2012 17:12 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
←Rate | 01-09-2017 15:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.
←Rate | 04-10-2017 11:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, it's not a birth month or even a birth week. It's a birthday. You get to celebrate one f'n day, ok?
←Rate | 06-04-2017 09:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Teddy Kennedy, Slick Willie, & Harvey Weinstein...all champions for women's rights!
←Rate | 10-09-2017 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.
←Rate | 04-27-2017 23:24 Comments (0)  

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