Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 17 of 5816

   messageicon I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.
←Rate | 03-21-2018 16:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?
←Rate | 08-27-2018 14:36 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions
←Rate | 10-18-2018 11:42 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
←Rate | 11-02-2018 12:32 by T Comments (0)  


   messageicon Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.
←Rate | 11-11-2018 05:21 by Ha.ha Comments (0)  


   messageicon Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.
←Rate | 11-12-2018 10:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.
←Rate | 11-14-2018 13:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 17:03 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 21:55 by DocHoliday Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:53 by Corn Squeezins Comments (1)  


   messageicon Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes
←Rate | 11-19-2017 20:43 by Meh! Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 09:18 by MarkM Comments (0)  


   messageicon So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 07:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer
←Rate | 03-23-2018 04:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?
←Rate | 01-06-2018 13:41 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left