Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
←Rate | 03-05-2017 18:16 by X Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:42 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:30 by Baddie Comments (3)  


   messageicon I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
←Rate | 06-02-2017 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
←Rate | 06-12-2017 10:29 by Zumba Di Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 19:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.
←Rate | 07-21-2017 07:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
←Rate | 04-07-2017 01:18 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.
←Rate | 05-02-2017 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
←Rate | 05-09-2017 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
←Rate | 08-23-2017 20:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!
←Rate | 08-25-2017 12:32 by Mr. K Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
←Rate | 08-29-2017 11:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
←Rate | 09-10-2017 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.
←Rate | 09-11-2017 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
←Rate | 09-13-2017 06:45 Comments (0)  



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