Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.
←Rate | 08-28-2017 01:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 22:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:36 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (1)  

   messageicon A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment
←Rate | 03-01-2017 05:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns
←Rate | 10-17-2017 18:17 by cpaman Comments (3)  

   messageicon Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.
←Rate | 07-24-2017 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:29 by Aerotim Comments (0)  

   messageicon After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me and my recliner go way back.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:28 by Aerotim Comments (1)  

   messageicon Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:18 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
←Rate | 08-22-2017 13:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
←Rate | 09-13-2017 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.
←Rate | 09-15-2017 00:24 by Moon Comments (2)  

   messageicon If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:38 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

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