Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year

   game over

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

   5lb cell phone, 10lb gold chain & 120lb boom box...no wonder 80's kids now have back problems.

   I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

   We were so close, I never noticed I had been deleted as a friend.

   If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   At my age, safe sex means only sleeping with women who know CPR.

   I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win