Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   If my "check engine" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it.

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo"

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.

   Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.

   Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport.

   *Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat,,, not two cats in one.

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.