SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Got all my Christmas gifts bought early this year, hope everyone likes Halloween costumes-

   I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don't like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting the house and car

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   "You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.

   I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..

   I really don't see why Conrad Murray is going to prison for what he did. House pulls crap like that all the time

   Sometimes I like to walk into Whole Foods and yell "hey, that Subaru is being towed" just to see how fast it empties out the store...

   The neighborhood bully fell off his skateboard in front of our house and kids have been ramping their bikes off him all day. I even took a turn.

   Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   Urinating on a jelly fish sting helps the pain. Urinating on a bee sting just makes your neighbor angry.

   It’s bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny

   I'm for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats my wife is worth.

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

   It's cool when a band smashes their equipment after their last song. It'd be even cooler if Creed did it before their first song.

   I dont understand....if you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass