Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.

   Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"