Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.

   Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

   You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

   earns a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

   got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.

   Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Your perception of me is a reflection of you.

   Today needs an eject button.

   I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.