lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   That runaway oil well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to gush about 200,000 gallons of oil a day. To put that into perspective: That's the equivalent of about ten buckets of K.F.C.

   It may look like i'm doing nothing but at the cellular level i'm actually quite busy.

   Ad on the internet : The Braile superstore - Thousands of Braile products, many of which you've never seen before.

   You're my nothing. Why? Because nothing lasts forever.

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

   Imagine how much fun women in burkas must have tagging each other on Facebook.

   We were without phone, TV and internet access for a few hours today. It was terrifying because I almost got some work done.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

   Attention Please: Christmas has been canceled. Apparently when you told Santa you've been good this year, he died laughing.

   I'm not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows

   Sign in Bar: "Low-cut blouses are looked down upon in this establishment."

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.

   How is getting a bj from a 75-year lady like bungee jumping? Whatever you do,don't look down!

   Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."