Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.

   I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

   The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

   earns a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

   got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"

   Your perception of me is a reflection of you.

   Today needs an eject button.

   I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.