Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?
←Rate | 03-30-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically
←Rate | 04-11-2018 09:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.
←Rate | 04-27-2018 18:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person
←Rate | 06-05-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.
←Rate | 06-12-2018 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?
←Rate | 06-18-2018 11:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 22:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
←Rate | 07-15-2018 09:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
←Rate | 07-16-2018 17:16 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 23:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 00:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 07:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 22:08 by EverybodyLovesRaytard Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
←Rate | 10-15-2017 00:37 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
←Rate | 07-06-2017 12:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:53 by Corn Squeezins Comments (1)  


   messageicon Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.
←Rate | 07-14-2017 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?
←Rate | 09-22-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  


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