Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
←Rate | 03-04-2018 09:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 14:43 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:39 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.
←Rate | 04-29-2018 11:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 20:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.
←Rate | 04-30-2018 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 01:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.
←Rate | 08-25-2017 17:56 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR
←Rate | 09-16-2017 13:06 by Hawg Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes
←Rate | 01-11-2018 03:22 Comments (0)  


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