Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really miss the days when the biggest scandal was that Trump drank water with two hands and ate chicken with a fork.

   When the food is so good you accidentally overeat to the point that you’re afraid you might die.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Pink Floyd warned us about the school system over 50 years ago, and everyone slept on it.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   We thought that our ability for compassion made us human. Turns out, it was our ability to select each image containing a boat.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   They say I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll just see about that.

   Disney’s favorability collapses from 77% to 33% in one year. Boom!

   Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home, they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.