Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   Demonstrate how much you suck.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.