Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks
←Rate | 04-03-2018 05:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 14:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 09:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 09:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
←Rate | 11-08-2017 21:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter
←Rate | 10-22-2017 20:58 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.
←Rate | 03-22-2018 16:28 by @Madlogic Comments (4)  


   messageicon The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 17:03 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 21:55 by DocHoliday Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes
←Rate | 11-19-2017 20:43 by Meh! Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 09:18 by MarkM Comments (0)  




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