Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Hope everyone had a very Happy Easter! PS: Those weren't black jelly beans the Easter Bunny left for you...

   Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that life is totally random.

   Been in the back yard trip'in on shrooms... Stepped on those slippery little b@stards and busted my ass.

   Look dude I have no problem with the tattoo that you have. It's the instant attitude change that came along with it. Trust me you are still a pu$$y. Having a half moon inked into your shoulder did not change that.

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   I don't know if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!

   I'm going to drink so much that I find that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

   If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!

   At this very moment hundreds of men are using the "It's the end of the world tomorrow" pick-up line.

   I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I would have to sit down, then I could really enjoy the show.