snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hot Kraft singles in your area are difficult to open, and really not good cheese anyway,,,, So....

   I just introduced a guy wearing a hoodie with shorts, to a guy wearing a vest... They're fighting... Umm Wait,, That's actually making out, they're making out.

   In these trying times, I want to find good in this world so here goes,,,,, I am extremely grateful that Cap'n Crunch leaves far more gently than it enters.

   My favorite dinosaurs were the carbivores... You never hear about them because they went extinct before the others,,, You know cuz,, like all the gluten and such...

   All I'm sayin is how do you expect your gluteus to be maximus,,, if you don't eat your bacon?

   BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.

   [grocery produce aisle]... ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?.. CLERK: No, why do you ask?... CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

   "Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   There will be a 'Supermoon' tonight... That means it will be wearing its underpants on the outside.

   Things get back to normal tomorrow when Supermoon returns to work as mild mannered reporter Clark Moon.

   Now my neighbors know how often I pee in my backyard... Thanks, super moon. Thanks.

   American Apparel is filing for bankruptcy again... The good news is that they're only a couple more bankruptcies away from running for President.

   It's VERY magnanimous of Donald Trump to only take $1 in Presidential salary,, $1 seems Very small,, until you realize that's it's still more than he paid in taxes

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ??

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh