Funny Status Messages

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks

   Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.