Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks

   Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   Why does the MSM keep referring to the Parkland shooting as a "senseless tragedy"? I mean, come on. Is there any such thing as a "sensible tragedy"? It's a tragedy; just leave it at that.

   Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

   Scotland's in the middle of a couple's breakup and trying to figure out who they're still supposed to be friends with.

   I really don't think it's right to support hate, violence and murder just because it suits your agenda.

   Assuming one is against the police when they're against police brutality is like assuming one is anti-parent when they're against child abuse.

   Skip the next 20 pages, nothing worth stealing.

   For some reason the "Samsung Galaxy Note 7" has become the preferred phone of terrorists.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.